Let it surface

 

Crying is a natural response to emotions. How we react to them. It is how we deal with them. When you were little you cried to communicate that you were hungry. Or sad. Or cold. When you got older you cried because you fell and hurt yourself. You’d cry if you lost something or someone. It was a natural and instinctive response. As we grow older the rules don’t really change, but we do.

When we cry, it is because we are feeling something. Something that is too big to keep inside. It is an emotion that needs your attention, so it cries out. It needs you to notice it and give it space. And if you do – it either changes into something you can use or it goes away.

But if you don’t let it surface, if you don’t let it come up and out. If you neglect to listen, give it space and really feel it – it grows. And spreads. And of all the things it does from this point, disappearing is not one of them.

Unfortunately most of us don’t know when our feelings are settling in our bodies. Some of us don’t even notice that we are suppressing them. We push them away as instinctively as they surfaced. Something along the way taught us that crying doesn’t’ lead to good things. It leads to more pain. More confusion and doubt. More unsafety.

Don’t cry, said the brain to the heart. It only makes it worse. Just don’t.

But what happens when you put all of these feelings away in boxes somewhere? One thing that happens is that you eventually run out of space. You fill it to the rim and then it pours out over the edges. And all of these emotions come flooding to the surface, all at once. Every little or big thing you didn’t want to feel, now comes rushing at you. They force you to feel them and acknowledge their presence. Only now they don’t make any sense. It is all just a blur of emotions to overwhelming to sort through. So you finally just cry and cry. And you feel helpless.

Another thing that happens is that you start to lose sight of what feelings to put away. All of a sudden you begin to put the good ones there as well. Because they also seem scary sometimes. So you don’t acknowledge them either. You don’t listen to them and you push them away with the others.

The thing is – there is a fine line between the different emotions. The ones we usually recognize as bad are there to take us to a better place. They are there to teach us about the good ones. They are all connected. You can’t have one without the other because they complete each other.

When you neglect some of your emotions you are denying yourself other ones. The feelings that make you feel sad, angry, confused or scared – feel them. Notice their presence and give them the space they deserve. Only then will they offer you something better in return. Whether it is a lesson learned or simply the gift of disappearing.

Cry, said the heart to the brain. It is the only way to be at peace. Just cry.

Let it surface

Trust me, I got this.

I was going to go slow. I was just getting on the mat, which I hadn’t been on for over a week. I’ve had kind of a dry spell, haven’t done much yoga as I would want lately. So I was just going to take it easy. Slow.

My jaw was hurting from having my wisdom tooth removed, so I had no expectations of an amazing practice. I was just getting on the mat because I felt the need to. My body craved it. To move and breathe. Since it had been a while I thought I was going to be all stiff and stuck.

And then magic happened. As it does. And it always amazes me.

It feels right. All the movements feell natural for my body. It actually yearns for it. It is like stretching in the morning. All the way out in to the tips of your fingers and toes.

I bend. I stretch. I flex. I inhale and I exhale. I do what my body wants me to do. I forget my hurts or I work through them.  I trust that my feet are grounded and hold me up. I count on my arms to keep me balanced.

And my body responds. It says “Yes, I can do this.” It says “Trust me, I got this. Jump and I’ll catch you. Take the leap and feel me fly. Just breathe and I’ll balance the shit out of this pose. Trust me, I got this. I’ll make you feel powerful, vulnerable and beautiful.”

And this doesn’t necessarily mean that I manage to do amazing poses. Sometimes it means finally nailing it and sometimes it means not nailing it at all.

It doesn’t really matter what I do. The key is just doing something. Diving into my body and seeing what it possesses.  Listening to what it needs. Maybe it is balancing in a headstand. Maybe it is flexing my toes. Maybe it is dancing.

Listen. Breathe. Be.

Give space to your body and let it show you its magic. Let it blow you away. Let it love you.

Trust me, you’ll love it.

 

Trust me, I got this.

Stedet der ordene bor

Jeg klarer ikke skrive for å skrive. Det er mange ganger jeg tenker at i dag skal jeg skrive. Nå er det lenge siden sist, så nå må jeg få skrevet litt. Men det går ikke. Om ikke jeg har noe på hjerte som vil ut, så kommer det ingenting.

Det er krevende å skrive noen ganger. Tappende. Fordi det kommer fra et sted i meg jeg ikke egentlig vet hvor er. Det kommer rennende, noen ganger rasende, ut av meg. Fra et sted jeg ikke har kontroll på. Noen ganger leser jeg det jeg har skrevet og blir helt forbløffet. Ordene som står skrevet foran meg er fremmede omtrent. Har jeg skrevet dette? De føles ukjente samtidig som de er de mest naturlige ordene jeg har sett. Jeg blir imponert av at jeg har klart å skrive så bra. Jeg blir overrasket over at jeg klarte å ordlegge meg så tydelig. Jeg blir på gråten av hvor billedlig jeg har skrevet. Jeg blir overvelda over at jeg har skrevet noe som ikke var tenkt før det kom på papiret. Det kommer fra følelser jeg ikke visste jeg hadde.

Det er akkurat som jeg åpner en kanal til tanker og følelser som er utenfor bevisstheten. En form for meditasjon. Jeg forsvinner inn i meg selv og kommer ut med en større forståelse i prosessen av å skrive en tekst. Kanskje det er derfor det er vanskelig for meg å sette meg ned med intensjonen å skrive. Fordi jeg ikke vet hvordan jeg skal komme meg til det stedet.

Jeg er ikke i kontakt med det stedet hele tiden, fordi det er så mye følelser og tanker der som skremmer meg. Mitt innerste rom er fylt av skam. Av kjærlighet. Frykt. Og håp. Det er ikke et sted jeg oppsøker ofte fordi det er overveldende. Det er mye der, både godt og vondt, som jeg ikke tør kjenne på. Kanskje det er derfor det er krevende og tappende for meg å åpne det opp. Fordi jeg er redd for det. De gangene jeg skriver derfra så har jeg enten mot nok til å takle det eller så kommer det bare fordi det må. Det må ut. Det må kjennes på. Det må oppleves. Enten det er i det øyeblikket jeg skriver det eller i det øyeblikket jeg leser det.

Det krever innsats og øvelse å gjøre det stedet mer tilgjengelig. Jeg må tørre. Jeg må våge. Men hvis det øyeblikket gjør meg både overvelda, imponert og får meg på gråten, så er det kanskje verdt det. Hvis det stedet kan gi meg tilgang til følelser jeg ikke visste jeg hadde, så er det kanskje verdt det.

Da er det verdt det.

Stedet der ordene bor

Tillit

Jeg syns det er skummelt å snakke om hva jeg frykter til vennene mine. Derfor holder jeg det inne og når jeg en dag klarer å overvinne frykten er det ingen som visste om den og derfor heller ingen som kan fortelle meg hvor flink jeg var. Det er ingen å dele gleden med og gleden blir derfor desto mindre. Den får et svært kort og flyktig liv.

Dersom en venninne av meg er livredd edderkopper uten at jeg vet om det vil jeg jo ikke juble om hun klarer å hive en ut av vinduet.

Jeg bagatelliserer fryktene mine. Det er jo ting de fleste ikke unner en tanke, så derfor er det heller ikke noe å feire når jeg overvinner den frykten.

Jeg ville aldri bagatellisert andres tanker, problemer, frykter og ønsker. Det kunne ikke falle meg inn. Det er deres og de har dem for en grunn.

Men jeg selv faller ikke inn under den samme kategorien. Jeg er jo rar.

Tankene mine er så motstridende fordi jeg vet at dette ikke er reelt. Jeg vet at jeg ikke er så alene om å tenke sånn eller føle slik. Jeg er fullt klar over at vi alle har vårt og det som er stort for meg ikke er noe mindre fordi noen andre har noe annet som er stort for dem.

Men jeg klarer ikke behandle meg så godt som jeg behandler de rundt meg. Jeg holder meg selv til en uoppnåelig standard. Jeg forventer noe av meg selv som ikke kan forventes av noe menneske, fordi det ikke er menneskelig å være perfekt.

Hvem har sagt at du er rar?

Hvem har fått deg til å føle at dine tanker og oppfatninger er mindre verdige?

Da du delte tankene dine og viste at du kunne være sårbar, hvem var det som tok fra deg det motet du viste da?

Hvem avviste ditt ønske om å komme nærmere?

Hvem var det som ikke taklet sårbarheten din, din ærlighet og din ekthet?

Du trenger ikke klandre deg selv for at du trodde på dem. Du trenger ikke skamme deg fordi du trodde på dem.

Du gav dem tillit. Du stolte på at de visste hvordan de skulle ta vare på deg. Du stolte på at de visste hvordan du trengte å bli elsket. Selv når du ikke visste det selv.

Du ser nå at det ikke var tilfelle. Du ser nå at de tok den tilliten og gjorde det de trodde var best med den. Og det var kanskje best for dem, men ikke for deg.

Det er greit.

Du er her.

Du klarer deg.

Du lærte mye da. Og du lærer enda mer nå.

Stol på deg selv. Gi deg selv den tilliten. Vær ærlig med deg selv. Kjenn etter.

Du vil gjøre feil igjen. Du vil være etterpåklok igjen og igjen. Det er sånn du lærer.

Men fortsett. Ikke stopp. Ikke gi opp å prøve.

Når du er klar for det, gi noen den tilliten igjen. Stol på noen. Vær sårbar, åpen og ekte.

For nå vet du hva du vil at de skal gjøre med den.

Er du redd for at du ikke skal klare å gjøre det riktige dersom de ikke gjør det?

 

Jeg tror på deg.

Jeg stoler på deg.

Tillit

Baby steps

The term

baby steps

just took on

a whole new meaning for me.

It often refers to people who are making a change.

Trying something new.

Getting rid of old habits.

Learning.

Growing.

Even at an old age the term is used to describe the small steps taken towards this new way of living.

It says something about the person’s effort towards his or her goal.

It refers to a person’s ability to at least go in the right direction,

however long it may take.

Baby steps.

But think what those steps really mean to a baby.

They are leaps.

They are epic.

They mean the beginning of a whole new adventure.

Every single step is a preparation for what is around the corner.

Every step and every fall is necessary.

And they are taken with great pride and immense joy.

Baby steps are achievements.

Baby steps are sometimes the biggest steps you take.

Baby steps

Listen

 

Sometimes a person enters your life at just the right time.

They tell you what you need to hear.

Good and bad.

They offer something new in your life.

A different perspective.

They give you what you didn’t know you missed.

Or exactly what you wanted.

 

These people might say what others in your life have already said.

They might say the same things, but they use new words.

Words that suit you better at that moment.

 

You might feel like this person replaces those that are already in your life.

You might feel bad for listening to this person more than others.

You might feel guilty that this person’s words make more sense to you.

You might feel guilty that this person’s voice sounds more familiar to you.

You might feel guilty that believing these words comes more easy and natural.

 

Don’t.

 

Don’t feel guilty.

There is a reason why those words are more clear to you.

There is a reason why those words feel closer to your heart.

Those are the words you need right now.

Those words are spoken at the right time.

By the right person.

Listen.

 

Listen.

Listen

Like no one else

 

I just realized that what I am craving is not so much to be loved by another.

It is not necessarily about finding that person who will love me for my true self.

Not so much about finding that one special person who will know me like no one else.

It looks to be more about finding that person who will make me feel like I am entrusted with their love.

The one who will make me feel honored by the presence of their love.

The one who I feel is brave to give me access to their heart.

The one who will give me their all and trust that I am capable of nourishing it.

I am discovering that it is not necessarily about me finding that person who will love me, but more about finding that person who I will naturally give all my love to.

I want to be that person who knows someone like no one else does.

Like no one else